I found myself sitting on a picture-perfect day on my sofa in our den lost, bingeing back-to-back Grey’s Anatomy episodes and making excuses to my friends about why I needed to cancel meeting up at the park and just felt like I couldn’t move. My kids were happily making a mess of our living room and watching Disney Jr in the background. I was still nursing my youngest at the time, and he would tottle over to me when he needed me. I was using my children’s needs as a cloak to hide behind and why I couldn’t get anything done, but I was spiraling into a depression.
Somehow my dream of motherhood had turned into a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from—the 24/7 neediness of my children that I had craved as a young 20 something had consumed me. The occasional glance in the mirror showed someone I no longer recognized. I looked to have an ideal life to the outside world, but inside, I was in a dark hole.
Here is the story of how I lost myself and then found myself and why I am so passionate about inspiring other mothers to find themselves.
After that day I knew I had to change something or I was going to be lost forever. I realized it was in my hands, but I didn’t know the first step to take, and I was scared. I was scared of the shame and guilt I felt for having failed my family and ultimately failed at motherhood.
See, I had always dreamed of being a SAHM. This was what I would write in my journals about staying home and raising my children. I wanted to have a husband and family and bake and volunteer, and I was blessed to have the ability to live out this dream. My husband was wonderful and supportive and my kids were loving and sweet.
What was my problem? Why was I feeling despair and frustrated? I had time and support but yet I felt frozen.
When I had my first son, I had superpower energy. I was a homemaker extraordinaire, found wonderful mom friends, and even started my own family photography business when he was 9 months old. I thought motherhood is great and I had found my happily ever after. Even when my husband was let go of his job around our son’s first birthday, I was making enough money to help out through my photography business. He went back to work 6 months later and my photography business continued to grow. I had regular playdates with my mom friends and was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Soon we were expecting our second child, and I felt great! I felt like I had mastered motherhood and it was everything I dreamed it could be.
Then after I had my second child I saw a slow change in myself. I found the hustle of 2 kids to be very draining. My body wasn’t bouncing back and my hair was getting more and more greys. I closed my photography business because I didn’t want to be away from my family for sessions, plus my second wasn’t a napper, so I didn’t have as much kid-free time anymore. I was generally happy but had lost the joy in the everyday. The mom friends I had cherished became busy with school activities and our little pod was breaking up. The children were growing up, and I was slowly falling apart.
My oldest started Kindergarten and my baby started nursery school, and I thought I would have the energy back like that first year of motherhood. But it didn’t come back. The schedules and errands of mom life took over. I found the occasional pocket of time to work on my photography and art projects but was constantly distracted by the kids and family obligations. I kept saying things would get more manageable, and I’d have time to figure out what I wanted from life.
Then my dog died. He was my first baby and had been a constant guardian during the newborn phases with both my boys. He was a constant companion and support during those long days of motherhood. His death was unexpected and sudden and it devastated me.
I stopped doing things I loved and just lived for my kids and husband. I let myself get lost in being a mother as a noble and selfless act. Chasing my passions and dreams was a distraction from my one true mission, to only care for my family and make their desires come true. I turned my grief into a mission to be the best mom my family could have, and I thought I was doing just that.
Then the wheels came off. My son was diagnosed with extreme anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADHD. He had just turned 8! My baby was languishing and I had missed it. In striving to be a perfect mom by sacrificing myself I had failed.
How could this be??? I thought to myself. I have done everything “right” just as society had taught us to believe, from feeding organic low sugar foods, never being late for pick up to reading endless bedtime stories, saying positive affirming statements, and so on. My husband and I created a loving home, meeting his every need or so I thought.
I realized that day we can’t grow in darkness. By shutting myself down I was draining the love and life of my family. Though I was there on the surface, my sensitive and loving son absorbed the darkness I thought I was hiding. By not pursuing my creativity, passions, and dreams, I was, in essence, poisoning my own family.
As mothers, we are the hearts of our homes. Our energy is what our family grows from, and so it is so important to know yourself and allow yourself to find your joy.
Being a mother is my dream but it is not all I am.
I started to heal myself and reengaged my passions. I took art classes and allowed myself to have dreams outside my motherhood. I started journaling which lead to creating illustrations and collaborated with other like-minded moms. That’s how I started growupbrite. It started as an Instagram page to inspire other families dealing with ADHD and other diagnoses but became my outlet to heal through. I shared the beauty and painful moments in motherhood and left moms to feel seen and inspired.
I came home to myself, and the most amazing gift happened. My family began to bloom again. I realized the more I connected with my dreams, the happier my family became, and in turn, I became too. I realized that just living for my family was not truly living at all.
I believe that every mom has a creative dream to live. I see how we use our abilities and skills to create in every aspect of mothering, and sometimes we just need a little help to uncover it. I use my story to help other moms regain their spirit. The Greeks use the term muses to describe someone that inspires creative ideas or artistic expressions. My goal now is to be a muse for modern moms to help them find the inspiration to live their dreams and grow the next generation of dreamers.
During this time of intense mothering, we can be in danger of allowing ourselves to be swallowed up, and then once our children become adults, we no longer know ourselves anymore. I don’t want moms to go through what I went through to find themselves.